I used to want to get back at him. I used to want him to hurt for all the pain and suffering he caused me for so long.
Chances are, he doesn’t think of me any more. The case was dropped after all.
But I still have to think about this as I endure and try to heal the PHYSICAL damages done to my body. I have to go to a pelvic floor physical therapist to have an extremely invasive procedure done to me once a week. This is to teach my body how to relax after years of holding all that tension and trauma inside my body.
After years of going to therapy on and off to work on the MENTAL damages, I thought I healed the anxiety and trauma. I did the work. But my body isn’t letting go still. I’m tense and in pain almost always.
Five years ago I was raped. My rapist walked the halls at my high school. Then in college he drugged and raped me. He apologized via text the next day. He was so drunk he pissed his bed that night. I was sober & scared to death & wanting to be anywhere but there. I felt so much shame. I felt dirty. But I didn’t ask for that to happen, who would?
You don’t win anything for coming forward. There’s no reward for reporting a rapist. You get ridiculed and threatened by the friends of the rapist. You get crippling anxiety and failing grades. You push your friends and family away. Maybe you run to the other side of the country.
But then, you pick yourself back up. You give back to the girls and women who have also experienced this. You do the work and spread awareness for the things you wish you would have known and the support you wish you would have had.
I’m not asking for pity. I’m at peace. I’m okay. What I’m asking for from all of you, is to stand with the women in your lives. Support them. Protect them. Believe them. There’s no fucking prize for being raped.
1 in 4 women are raped. If you think I’m the only woman you know who has been raped, you’re wrong.